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Date:2012-04-15 20:15

People come and go through your life like changing seasons right? 

I am really contemplative today. I am in a living room and Im on the internet and my car is in a garage and there is a kitchen only 40 feet from me but i am in mexico.  Did I trade away who I am for $80k a year or whatever it is that I make?  I don't even really know or care all too much about the money. 

Sometimes I dont know if I made the right choices and if I left Wyandotte behind or ran away from it.  One of the things I prided myself on a long time ago was the ability to maintain contact with all the important people in my life and I liked casting a wide net.  Now I've been making choices and so have everyone else in where the net gets more narrow and Im whittling people away and consequently other people are doing the same to me.

Now I have "names I havent thought about in years" and Im probably a name someone hasn't thought about in years and thats unnerving to me.  Sometimes I worry that I've mortgaged too much of myself or became too serious or just forgot what I was like.  I don't know.  I guess I don't really fit in to this facebook generation or the life of a lot of mid 20-somethings that most of my old friends are.

I'm very lucky, I know that in general, I have worked extremely hard to get where I am, and don't feel the need to make excuses.  I don't envy my friends or compare my life to theirs but today is one of those times where im questioning my choices i guess. i dont know

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Date:2012-03-08 22:25

After 14 months in Chicago, it is soon time to be back in Mexico.  I wouldn't say that I am excited for it. 

I dont even want to toss out things like "good opportunity" or "new experience."  I guess I am selfish and petulant and have and enjoy a pretty nice and happy existence here in Chicago.  Yep, I am well aware that i am in control of my own fate more or less.  If I wanted to really quit my work and move back to Chicago and begin a more semi-permanent life there I could.

I think I have to tough my time in Mexico out for a little while and get a little bit more in savings before I commit to something that is so life-altering.  This kinda blows, but my choice is clear . 

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Date:2011-10-31 18:44

Its been a long time since I've written and I doubt no one is going to read this but I might as well throw some thoughts on here.

I can't believe its almost November.  It's mind blowing really.  I am starting to get really anxious to be totally honest, about the potential of moving again and about so many other things. This isn't a good anxious like kids who wait for Santa to come in the days and weeks leading up to Christmas.  It feels anxious like watching an asteroid hurdle itself towards Earth or watching a car crash in slow motion.  I don't have any answers really.  Don't even know what I am looking for really.

I need to breathe and relax which are two things I am horrible at. 

ahhhhh well....c'est la vie

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Date:2010-12-15 11:51

People were created to be loved
Things were created to be used
The reason why the world is in chaos
is because things are being loved
and people are being used.

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Date:2010-12-08 22:09

Im better today.  Im good.  I dont have it that bad.  I'll be home in a week and things will be fine.  Others have it much worse off, so why stress.

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Date:2010-12-07 00:16

I feel like shit still today.  Like I got punched in the fucking face.  Left hook to the mouth. I found out that I am going to Chicago, but a lot of the plans for me changed.  I dont know how long or for what type of work I will be in Chicago for.  I don't even care where I am.  I would rather be by myself again if I could be in America because Im so fucking jaded.  Im sick of feeling like I am second rate.

I need a change of perspective.  I was really optimistic for a while but now its back to cynical. It feels like for some people, hard work just doesn't pay off.  Because you're fucking cursed.  I feel it in my bones.  You know the Greek myth about Sisyphus?  Eternally cursed to push the boulder up the hill and when the boulder gets near the top, it rolls all the way back down.  Im not Sisyphus, I feel like the damn boulder.

Right now, I am not happy with myself. I look in the mirror and Im pissed.  Im beating myself up right now.  I am hard on myself and my expectations arent too high.  I dont have expectations, I take every day as a new challenge and I have not won the last few days.

I remember theres a used car dealership on Fort Street that always has some religious quotes they change every few weeks and last time I was home it said "You can never measure someone's faith until it's tested."  Thats where I am at right now.  I dont know if I am lacking confidence or faith or happiness or something but theres a solid part of who I am right now that is missing and feels like I am not whole.

I don't even know where to begin.  Im sick of the "I cant wait for you to come backs" and then in actuality it is "sorry, i've got a thing...."  I feel like shit about that like im some fucking pen pal.  Sorry I gotta fly to New York or Boston or Washington DC or wherever the fuck everyone is because you cant come find me in Wyandotte when you are half a town over.  This part of the job is stressing me out.  So is the holiday season, I feel obsolete.  I dont even want anything for Christmas.  Not that it ever matters what I get because I know that isnt the point of the holiday.  I dont even want anything so its useless anyways.  I dont feel like anywhere is home.  Damnit this is pessimistic.  I must come off like a bitch.  It doesnt matter, this is how I am so I dont want to sugarcoat it now.  Motherfuck.

Happy Tuesday everyone.

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Date:2010-12-04 15:17

How am I doing?  I dont know, I feel strange. 

Peronally, I feel like shit.  I am on an island, even if it is for only 12 more days or whatever the fuck it is.  I dont even keep track anymore.  It's over when its over.  Unless my boss tells me Monday I have to stay longer.  Thats something I dont even think about anymore.  I guess my life is frustrating because there are so many changes. 

I have new friends and they aren't the same as my old ones.  I can go and get dinner with these people or I see them, and at first it was nice because they are new.  It was like...all this time I have been here and you just now want to hang out with me?  Theres a reason we probably didn't hang out before, something just isn't right.  Everything was refreshing for a while, all the stories were ones I never heard before, people I've never met before.  All that.  But then I ask myself why it is like this.  Maybe loneliness or desperation.  Now its at the point I would rather be dissatisfied spending my time by myself then be with people whose ideals dont match mine.  Maybe also Im just really strange.  But thats the way it is with me.  Right now, I dont want new in my life.  I want what I know because what I know makes me the happiest.

I try not to think about how things always change.  Most people don't like that.  Whatever is different, people always try to tear it down.  People are programmed to hate what they don't understand. 

I see folks that were in my life for a long time and they make choices where Im not a part of their life anymore or dont make an attempt to be a part of my life either.  If I stop to ask myself why that is, or how that makes me feel it wouldnt do me any good.  People evolve for better or worse and I do the same.  So I really shouldn't feel bad about it  I need to apply the same effort I do at work that I do to everything else in life. 
At the end of the day, your own personal happiness is left entirely up to you.  The people that come and go in your life are there for a reason.  If you can stand them not being there, thats fine.  However, if you dont want a world without them in it, go and get it.  Those choices are mine and mine alone

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Date:2010-12-01 21:10

I am frustrated.  I feel like I am doing a lot and not getting anything in return.  I feel like people are quitting on me and that is disconcerting.

No matter, I am trying to remain optimistic in the face of frustration.  It is very much possible that being forgotten is one of humanitys worst feelings. 

However, I will continue to work hard and stay on my path and things will work out for me if thats how it is meant to be.

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Date:2010-11-19 21:02

Today was something else.  I had heard two weeks ago from a Ford engineer that isn't related to my field, just a friend of mine, that my contract was working on being extended in Mexico.  I didn't know if he was messing with me or full of shit but today, my Ford Supervisor (who is not my boss) said that she had heard the same thing and it was just pending approval of a couple people.

I will see my actual boss the Monday after Thanksgiving and I am sure he is going to ask what I want to do.  My boss is a cool guy and if I don't want to be in Mexico or anywhere for that matter, any longer that I probably won't have to stay there.  Well that is also my answer.  Im ready to be back in Chicago to move on.  I wouldn't be opposed to another foreign assignment later, but it's been 15 months since I have worked in the U.S.  My job pays me a ridiculous amount.  I make double what I ever imagined someone  such as myself making.  I have no bills to speak of that work doesnt pay for other than student loans which will be all gone in a few months anyways.  So I can't complain about being 3,000 miles away.  If I absolutely have to stay in Mexico, if it means I dont have any other options, then I will.  But I don't want to.

I've come to peace with so much in my life, and I know what I want now.  I might not get it, but it won't stop me from going for it.  I won't be able to achieve those goals being back in Mexico after the New Year.  It's Chicago or bust for the time being.  I was originally told in September that I would be in Chicago for all of 2011 and I was planning my life with that knowledge. 

The fact remains is that right now, it's just a rumor.  I haven't heard from anyone from MY company.  But where there's smoke there is usually fire.  When I heard rumors of me going to Chicago, they were true.  Same goes for my return back here. So that bridge is going to be crossed soon, but I don't expect to have to come back here.  It is good, because it means I'm valuable.  I got a phone call from my Ford Supervisor's boss asking what kind of engineering degree I had, whether it was mechanical or electric.  When I told him my degree was in business, he got upset because he said eventually he wanted to hire me in directly through Ford.  But I need an engineering degree to be hired in.  thats so wild, i never thought when I took this job that I would be able to thrive like this.  It sounds all to simple, but if you work hard enough at something and want it badly, you'll get rewarded in time.

The things I want out of life are coming soon and it's all tied to being back in Chicago.  So don't keep me in Mexico please!  I am really excited to come back home for Thanksgiving.  I spent last Thanksgiving in the hospital when my appendix burst.  That was the worst thanksgiving ever, no lie.  Christmas will be good too.  Im taking advantage of the 2+ weeks I have back at home to spend that time with family and the people important to me.  Right now, it looks like I am flying to New York City right from Mexico before I go home.  Im pumped to see the Museum of Modern Art.  Van Gogh's Starry Night is there.  Good times.

It's been a year and a half since my grandpa died.  It's making me sad for some reason today.  I miss him a lot.  We were always each other's favorites.  He always had a way of telling a story that had nothing to do with anything, but finding a way for it to relate to something I needed to hear.  He would tell me I would be the most successful out of everyone because I knew how to treat people.  It makes me sad that he didn't get to see me graduate college, or see me get a job, or all the travelling that I've got to do since last year.  My grandpa always made me feel like I was doing the right thing even when I wasn't sure about that myself.  It's strange to me that no one else in my family got along with him the way I did.  Couple of oddballs we were I guess.  I don't think about it very much anymore, I dont know whether that is a good or a bad thing, but I am thinking a lot about it today.   

It felt good to write all that down.  I was getting heavy with the thoughts of it all. 

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Date:2010-11-16 21:30

Why not indulge myself.  I've been thinking about myself for a while and made some interesting discoveries.  Might as well put them all down somewhere.

1) There was a three week stretch where I drank coffee every morning.  It was around April of this year.  I never drank it before and havent wanted it since.

2) I want to and will run a marathon next year.  I am going to raise money for every mile i finish and donate it to two charities.  One that goes to get teenagers and young adults mental health care they couldnt afford, and the other half towards support for those with eating disorders.

3) I want to be on "Jeopardy" by the time I am 30.  The sooner the better.  Also I'd be mad at myself if I didnt win at least three times before I lose.

4) I love making other people happy and I love cooking.  That is why my long-term goal is to own a restaurant.  I dont know what kind of food, or where, or anything.  But I'll have one some day.

5) I couldn't tie my shoes until 5th or 6th grade and I don't think I owned a pair of jeans until high school.  Now I am proud to say I can do both.

6) There is every type of music on my iPod except one.  Heavy metal.  That shit is the worst.  I've got show tunes, classical, rap, country, blues, and I think embarrassingly enough my favorite thing ever is Daft Punk.

7) To me, beer is nasty.  I've probably had less than...30 full beers in my entire life and the number i've enjoyed is probably like 3. 

8) Red wine is even worse.  It gives me headaches.  White wine I guess is ok.

9) I do a lot of flying.  Maybe a round trip flight or two a month.  And i refuse to recline my seat.  I think it's rude.  I am 6 foot 2 and would appreciate it if you don't recline when you sit in front of me either.  If you do, I will subtley (that cant be spelled right) knee you in the back every 15 minutes

10) Nothing is more depressing than being in an airport a lot of times.  The stale air, the lifelessness and sterility of everything.  I can't count the amount of times I have sat at my gate and just felt awful for no real reason.

11) I literally don't care how much money I have in the bank as long as I am happy.  I would spend every cent I have on other people before I buy things for myself. 

12) Plus I am either the most indecisive or agreeable person on earth.  I think I have said "I dont care where we go to eat." every single time someone has asked.  I think everything is great.

13) I could read when I was three years old.  My parents did a ridiculously good job educating me.  But I never played with many toys.  My entire life is unconventional.

14) For most of my friends, I am the official "resume-editor" and "reference letter-writer." That feels like a good compliment.

15) Back when I was younger, my favorite fruits were the easiest ones to eat.  Apples and grapes.  Now the worlds two best fruits are watermelons and pineapples, which are coincedentally the most difficult.

16) The three people that impacted me the most are Mr. Garvie, Mr. Baumstark and Mr. Blake.  I don't remember much about what they taught in regards to the subject, but they taught me the right way to live and I see myself behaving as extensions of them.  It's nice.

17) I will be the first Heise to get a Master's degree.  It will be a great day for me.

18) I cant fall asleep in chairs, or airplanes or cars or buses or anything that isnt a bed or a floor.  Gotta be horizontal baby.  And I can usually only sleep on my stomach.  Snuggling and spooning are really nice.  But when she falls asleep, usually I just go on my stomach. 

19) If I had one day left on earth, just me personally, not the world was going to end, I would tell everyone important to me how I feel about them.  Get in my car with my dog, drive up to Marquette because its lovely there and record all my thoughts on tape and hope someone turns it into a book.  Id just drive for as far as I could go.

20) The strangest feeling about being in Mexico is having to overcome just being myself.  A lot of Mexicans think (with good reason) that most Americans are dumb or arrogant, so I have to climb that hurdle before anyone can get the idea of what I am about.  either that or I am just dumb and arrogant.

Well...i guess this is just for me anyway.  no one reads this shit.  so.....there you go

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Date:2010-11-12 20:31

Im stressed.  No surprise there. 

I know my time left in Mexico is short, now I am ticking off the days.  One at a time.  Watching the clock is taking too long.  Theres one thing I really want right now and I dont know if this is the point in time to go for it  Sorry I am being vague.  Why am I apologizing?  this is me writing for me.

Being in touch with your own reality sometimes is really strange and unsettling.  Im not expecting to grow flowers in the desert, but even things that might be attainable, I dont know the right course of action.  They Hope and Wait.  Hope and Wait. 

Is that right?  I dont have any idea.  Most times I think you get what you want if you work hard then go out and get that thing yourself.  How can you just write it off to hoping and waiting?  Well, sometimes the time isnt right.

Fucccccckkkkkkk  wow im agitated.  my head is pounding in the way you dont have an answer, or that you have the answer and you know its right but not what you want, so you tell yourself not to do it until that moment is there because that moment isnt right now.  or is it, because you just dont know where you will be if youre wrong.  Or if you do know that, you dont want to be there. so you avoid it

It sucks being by myself.  Try being the only American anywhere.  I never know if these people like me or hate me or if they think Im dumb or what.  I feel like myself when I am by myself.  Then when I go out anywhere, I feel like a stripped down version of myself.  My jokes dont make sense, I dont understand things, I look like I dont fit in.  And I dont.   Ive already explained all the reasons that being by myself can be good.  The discipline, the order, the fact that everything is up to me.  But I cant share this new me with anyone here, not just in a romantic way but in the open yourself up kind of way.

People always want it to be one way, but its ALWAYS the other way.  And try as you might, you cant change what other people are or make them do things the way you want them to.  They can say things are different, but the fact remains that you have to do that and not just say that.  Liars will always be liars, people who say they wont cheat or hurt you will always come back and do that.  The people that aren't there when you need them to be aren't going to surprise you one day.  And the same goes for the opposite end, on the whole, the people that dont let you down arent going to do that.  The people that are comfortable with themself may not always give you an answer you like, but they arent going to pretend to be something they are not.

I probably come off as really distrusting right now.  I dont know if that is what it is.  I can just say I feel very acute right now.  When I analyze every last detail is when I get myself in trouble.  I need to relax.  I need to relax.  I need to relax.  I cant be that Type A person I usually am that dissects every word spoken or written.  I cant dissect all the words that ARENT said or written.  fuckkkkkk meeeee


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Date:2010-11-08 19:35

Has it really been a month since I wrote in this last?  Feels like it was just yesterday.  I guess I have done a lot of traveling since I wrote last.  I went back to Wyandotte, and then I had a week in Hawaii.  So thats how you get to the first week of November.

What a peculiar thought.  This year alone, I have been in Hawaii, San Francisco, Marquette, Connecticut and San Antonio Texas.  I have been about as far east, west, north and south that you can possibly be in the lower 48, plus I went to Hawaii. 

I am good, I have a singular focus for the remainder of my time in Mexico, I am finally feeling whole.  I've become so accustomed to being by myself, having days where you hardly have to talk to anyone that its strange.  Im not a hermit.  I've re-read my two most favorite books of all time in the last month.  Well, I haven't finished The Count of Monte Cristo left.  It was 3600 page on my iBook.  I have 3400 of them done so I am close.  I read the Alchemist in less than a day. 

Ive been working out hard, stretching, I've done yoga (yes.)  Eating better, cooking for myself.  It was sad to throw away a bunch of junk food and pop and crap.  I love food too much to do something crazy like that, but i did it.  Like I always said, the biggest challenge is going to be able to do that in Chicago but I like how I feel.  Im confident in myself again.  Ill try to continue that.

I've got huge plans for the rest of the year and the next.  Youll see what I mean as the time comes.

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Date:2010-10-09 17:27

I did something the other day that was typically out of character for me. I guess its a story of where I have come from since my younger days, but I prayed. I prayed hard for something that I felt I really needed. I was desperate for some kind of solution, so before I went to bed, I knelt at its side, closed my eyes and sought a peace of mind for myself more than anything I had ever asked for before. Not really sure how to pray, I just did what I thought was right and I certainly got clarity and I think I slept pretty well that night.

When I was growing up, I had nothing it seemed. I remember growing up eating biscuits for dinner, or bacon or white rice and that’s it. Rice for dinner, how fucked up is that? It’s a miracle I was ever fat because I hardly had anything to eat. I guess growing up poor, with my dad always sick and in the hospital and my mom either working jobs with shit hours that she hated, or not working a lot that you get used to having a modest lifestyle and it was ok to do without. Now I look at my view from my apartment and I think about the things I have done that most Heise’s never get the chance to do and I feel like an astronaut. I really do, no hyperbole there. How did I end up here, this cannot be right.

Some days, I wonder what it would take to change me but I don’t think anything truly can. I am always going to be the same kid that worried he would be homeless or something worse. I don’t think I have ever wrote this here, and if I haven’t then only maybe a couple people know this about me, but I thought I would be dead before I turned 22. Actually, when I finally did turn 22, it was strange and emotionally draining because I was 100% surprised that I made it that long. I thought I was cursed, or that my family was and if I didn’t do something crazy and stupid that something crazy and stupid would happen to me. I don’t feel like that anymore. As a matter of fact, once I turned 22, I realized how strange and sad that was and now I shake my head at how scary it was to think like that back then.

Ive changed an awful lot especially being in Mexico, that I got to observe things from so far and I have learned to focus on how to do the things that are good and good for me and not be so cynical and negative and mean and pessimistic. Literally, I look back on what I was and it was like, how could I be like that to others? I tried so hard to get people who in the end didn’t matter that I probably alienated a lot of the people I think more about now. I was a stupid kid. I always think there is a huge difference between what is expected of a person and what it is they want to do. If I did what I wanted to do and not what was expected of me things would be different. It seems like some of the relationships in my life have become a matter of “well, we’ve been friends for so long now” even though we don’t have much else in common other than we used to be old friends. Strange to think like that, but now I know how easy it is to drift apart from someone. And that comes from not being in contact more, or being honest, or talking about the things that really matter. Then new people show up in your lives and you have all that meaningful conversation with them but it is different because who you are now is different every day from the person you were before. An answer I would have given 9 months ago to the same question now might be entirely different and that’s the refreshing and frightening part of life.

Being here has let me find myself. I want to be myself. I don’t need to be special or a rich or a celebrity or a humanitarian, but I want to be me. This includes doing things the right way, being honest with my own values and supporting the values in others that I believe in. Do you know how hard that is to do today? Think about that. Especially being from Wyandotte where we are trained to be negative and counter-culture and blah. I don’t think I have ever sold myself as being something I am not, but I definitely think I haven’t always been true to myself. I do know that I have spread attention and self too thin sometimes and I’ve screwed up all the things I have tried to juggle over time only to need to disappear until I am ready to come back to the ground.

So anyway, the other day I prayed to whatever God is out there watching over us all in order to keep me in Mexico. Although that isn’t the ultimate outcome, it is still so close to that being my reality that I feel my prayers were answered. Now come January, I am not sure if that is still what I want, but it is what I wanted today and yesterday and the day before that that I feel lucky. 

In 6 days, I will have been here for an entire year. Four months of which I have spent entirely by myself. Sometimes, I get lonely being by myself. But you learn so much about your own character- what you can handle, what you can’t, what you can accomplish physically and emotionally by yourself that right now going back to a place like Michigan or Chicago is unsettling. 

I used to think that life was a bunch of big moments with all kinds of little shit and day-to-day stuff that gets in the way of those big moments that are circled on all of our calendars. But now I know for me it’s the little moments that lead up to the big ones that make life worth living. It is the phone call from someone you want and need to hear from, getting caught singing to yourself in traffic, the reward of writing more than 1,000 words when all the things inside you start flowing from your mouth or keyboard or pen and paper which is what I wrote this on originally. The choice is up to you whether you choose to enjoy these moments for better or worse. The moments aren’t always good, sometimes they can be brutally painful or sad or cruel or lonely. Those moments all count too. They get you ready and stronger for the next time you have to face something similar. Don’t forget that.

It feels good to write like this. I have been feeling really uncomfortable lately by not saying it. I was worried about ending up something I didn’t want to be. Putting all of this on paper and feeling really satisfied and hopeful was not where I expected this to go. It is all evident that I am right where I need to be right now. I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of good advice and encouraging words from people I needed to hear those things from, so I am always forever in debt to your advice. You might even be reading this and know exactly who you are to me. The only limitation right now to my life is myself, and that is only if I choose to allow that to happen. I won’t let it happen.

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Date:2010-10-08 17:26

I don't know how it happeened, but my life is suddenly complex now.  That is something I certainly never expected.  I came back down here for a lot of different reasons, mostly self-serving ones.   I liked being by myself.  I like saving money and not spending it on things I didnt want or need.  It is overwhelming now that I am in a situation where I don't want to leave.  I really did make an effort to make friends and see the city and do things I didnt before and it is now paying off.

I found a girl I could see being with for a long time.  She is a lot of things I want to be: she is smart, sweet, selfless and every other adjective I could possibly want.  This is the type of girl that doesn't make me feel that I have to change to be someone else in order to fit whatever it is she wants.  I can just be me and honest and real with myself and that makes both of us happy.

So I called my boss and asked him what the odds of me staying in Mexico longer past the new year which was the original plan and he said he would do his best for me.  It looks like I am staying through January instead of December and he will find ways to get me to stay down here extended periods of time.  He also said when I am in Chicago that I can expense my flights down here and I will just have to pay for a rental car or hotel or whatever and thats ok with me.  I told him I was willing to pay out of pocket to come down here if that is what it was going to take.

For me to succeed in Chicago, I need to find a discpline I haven't always had.  One that I have down here in large amounts.  I am becoming and finding things in and around me that I have always wanted so I have to do my best to keep doing that.

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Date:2010-09-24 22:12

I decided to stop being an American piece of shit while I am here. Therefore, I have made a concentrated effort to learn Spanish. I asked all the engineers to speak to me in Spanish only, or at least try to do that when possible.

I have gone out and tried different restaurants instead of just cooking in my apartment every day. I asked out the incredibly cute and English-speaking Starbucks Barista and she said yes. We are going to see the Black Eyed Peas (really?? not my most favoritest) in a 100,000 person soccer stadium where it will probably rain but I dont care.

I have started to see the downfall in being a wallflower. One day I am going to be old and say why the fudgems didnt I take advantage of this fantastic opportunity, which as a matter of fact is only like 2.5 months away from being finished.

I always find that when I get stressed, I have to know that good things are on their way. I am just trying to learn how to live in a totally different manner than what I am accustomed to. And its really great.

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Date:2010-09-13 16:48

Real talk- it hasnt been a very good last week here in Mexico. I know I volunteered to come down here and I have laid out multiple times the reason why but it's just now starting to kick me in the teeth for being lonely.

It is odd not having any friends here. That is my own fault I guess. I could be more outgoing or make an effort to go places. But you dont just find friends at a store, you have to make them over time. The part about it that is hard is both the language and the work environment. If I wanted to get into deep conversations with the people here about real things, it is difficult because I can't always say what I want to say without having to pare the message down to make it understandable. So if I want to say something, I have to make it simple enough, and by that time it isnt what I wanted to say in the first place. So with that in mind, it's pretty much just me every day.

Sometimes at work, I will go from 6 am until noon before I talk to anyone. Its entirely strange. It is a huge challenge for me and i am faring a little worse than I thought I would. I figured that I could handle it and I don't care being that independent but then I come home and walk around a giant empty apartment and don't know how to pass the time without the internet or the phone because I literally cant find basic human interaction almost entirely. Just really am a poor fit here. It is only for three more months, so hopefully I can stem the tide and get throught it.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, thinking about my life and all these strange things. I just realize being here that there aren't guarantees for anything. Im not around my home very much so for those of you who havent seen me in a while (which is just about everyone) all that I am is what you remember me being. What I am now, or what I was before is unimportant because who I am to others is for them to decide which is an incredibly strange and powerful thing. I've finally decided to become what I really am within the last year.

The past is always with us, and where we come from, what we go through, how we get through it; all this shit matters. it's like you can change up, right, you can say youre somebody new, you can give yourself a whole new story, but what came first is who you really are and what happened before is what really happened, and it doesn't matter that someone says he is different because the only thing that makes you different is what you really do, what you really go through.

I hate sounding cliche but all the pieces matter. Every little thing you do, when you put one person off for someone else, whether you do a good or bad job, every word, action, phone call, message, effort. It all matters! What you do daily builds up and eventually snowballs into a bigger thing so every single action has a repercussion. For me, it feels magnified 10x because I feel like I am on an island out here. But it's all the same. Time to go

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Date:2010-09-02 20:08

You ever spend days looking out your window, or looking at a wall and wondering how the fuck you got where you were? I mean the world has existed for a countless number of years before I was born and it will exist for countless numbers of years once I die and I spend most of my life waiting for a phone call that never comes, or moments that never seem to get there either?

Sometimes I feel like there are unreasonable expectations for me, but is that true? I have no fuckin idea. It is weird spending your days just waiting for it to be tomorrow. It isn't always like that I guess. I've got it pretty good. I do, I honestly do. But sometimes I just feel like I don't have any answers. Just working every damn day, gathering paychecks and watching the clock until the day comes that I will be elsewhere.

I always feel like Im missing out on something, somewhere and I don't have a reason for that. The grass isn't always greener. I don't feel like a failure, I am doing things just fine. I don't have any reason to want to be in Mexico other than I am making a shit ton of money here. No girlfriend, no friends, no life, no interest in leaving the house. It is pretty nice when you spend $50 dollars a week. By the time it is New Years, I will have the student loans all taken care of. Whatever, who gives a shit. It's just money. I wasnt ever the type of person to give a shit about that.

I really just want something real in my life. I dont know if thats a woman, or a hobby or something that I can look forward to. I dont really have that here even if I have most everything else.

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Date:2010-07-29 22:24

I have to be retarded. Why did I decide to come back to Mexico? blahblahblah bullshit about job security and more money and other rhetoric. I don't know if I believe half the shit im saying to myself.

Maybe there is part of me that is better being lonely and longing. I mean it is simpler to say "Oh I wish I were here, imagine all the things you/I/we/everyone can do." then it is to actually be there and go out and do it. Im not wasting away really. Its only for four months, then I am somewhere else and have to meet up with reality. With the transient nature of my job, I know nothing will be concrete until I have quit it. Some of the things I really want now that I am 24 (and a half!) are virtually unattainable as long as I continue to do it. Do I want to try to find someone and someplace to settle down at now? Maybe so. Or can I wait three or four years start working on those things a little later and be financially situated for the next decade or more? I guess on paper that one looks like a no brainer.

There are always opportunity costs to everything. Sometimes I just feel crushed by the weight of the world. Perspectively, I know it isn't that bad or that good. Just a matter of which way I look at it whether I am feeling good or bad. Being in Mexico fucking sucks though. I look out a window and see such a new view of my world. Here, I am a minority. Here I am a 6'2" stranger who looks differently, speaks differently, acts differently, fuck IS different. Never thought that would be me. I can feel the eyes of the people burning holes through me, very few look at me like another human. Which makes me think of how I look at minorities when I am at home, wherever that is. Fuck, I can't go to the grocery store without getting gawked at. Might as well be a martian.

I guess I kind of feel like a coward. As shitty as life sometimes is here in Mexico, days such as today when I really feel miserable, sometimes it is easier for me than being in the states. Being by myself means I can use that as a crutch or leverage or this or that. I don't know. I wish I had permanence in something, and it feels like I am chasing everything away even as I run and hide in Mexico.

The bottom line is, I really can't tell if I am blowing every good opportunity in my life, or if I am flying on the back of good opportunity as I spend the rest of the year here. The time I spend here, I am missing out on things everywhere else. I can't look at it through such a narrow lens or I will lose my goddamned mind. Somedays, I wake up and I have no idea where I want to be. What is it that defines who you are? What you do? who you love or moreso who loves you?

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Date:2010-07-06 00:18

I am in an odd mood. I admittedly have been pretty good lately, like for the past...few months. Now that I am in Chicago (for the time being) it has brought out a strange side of me.

I woke up one day and just felt different. After being more or less by myself in Mexico for eight months, and soon for another four, I realized that I have changed. I guess it would be for the better, although I never think that change is good or bad; just different.

I don't know where I feel like I belong. Back in the day, I always felt like I was Wyandotte. If you are from Wyandotte, you know that Wyandotte is a mentality more than a place. It's I guess as part of you the same way your family or your heritage is. Wyandotte is a different town-no doubt. But the things that I used to like about Wyandotte: the people, the sense of irony, the townie culture are no longer appealing.

There is no way to logically get this across I guess, but I am just sick of being jaded and pre-programmed to dislike and reject everything. Chicago is nothing like Wyandotte really. I don't know why I started thinking about this now, maybe just because it is in the USA that I get to think about it.

I dont really have the direction to finish this right now, I guess I will try to finish this in the next couple days. Just...an odd day.

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Date:2010-06-08 22:21


its been kinda long since ive written in this. probably a few months. it usually operates like that anyways. Tomorrow is my last whole day in Mexico. I will be facing that with mixed emotions. It has been eight whole months. It really feels like a lifetime.

Anyway, after that I will be in Chicago for the next eight months. It will be different, like all the other things I have done. I will be around more people, I will have more at my fingertips. It will really be nice to be back in the states.

It was really odd being a minority. Every day i wake up white in a city that aint. Its strange when you think about it. 20 million people. Probably less than 1% speak English so it makes my days interesting and the culture is so entirely different. I wont feel like I don't belong when I am back in Chicago.

One drawback is that everything there is so expensive. I don't know, I really guess I don't have a ton to complain about. Life is ok aside from being a transient. Not like anyone ever reads this, but I will be home in Wyandotte on Monday for an entire week.

Hopefully you're all well.

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